Censorship
by AshtakRa
Summary: The PG rating has been well and truly torn away from this episode – how will all our favourite characters act with no censorship? Warnings for foul language. What else can I say – I wrote this for kicks.


**CENSORSHIP**

_By AshtakRa_

Fandom: Stargate Atlantis

Setting: Anytime in Season 2 or 3, as long as all the team are there

Characters: Sheppard, Weir, Teyla, Ronon, McKay, Beckett, Radek, Heightmeyer and Chuck.

Genre: Humour, with utter filthy language

Summary: The PG rating has been well and truly torn away from this episode – how will all our favourite characters act with no censorship? Warnings for bad and really foul language. What else can I say – I wrote this for kicks.

Atlantis, Pegasus Galaxy

"Mother-fucking prick!"

The entire room looked at McKay in shock. His outburst was not out of character but the language definitely was. The fact that he was holding the power couplings for the primary shield generator while seemingly so flustered was also a cause for concern. Since a Wraith hive ship was only minutes from sensor range.

"Excuse me Rodney?" enquired Weir, almost unable to wrap her head around it. Such language was just never uttered around here.

"It's this piece of shit converter. It has been nothing but an absolute arse of abhorrent technological crap since we changed over from the ZPM."

"Yes Rodney," said John. "We know you've been having difficulty. It's just I, that is we have never heard you so… unnerved," he finished, looking to Weir and Beckett to see if his message had got across.

"Oh really," answered the astrophysicist. "Well fuck me over two days from Sunday. The grunt and the pencil pusher are concerned. Once again I have almost fried my impressive bloody brain saving your collective arses. I have been pushed beyond my limits while you pissed all over the brilliant plans I'd made and then when the shit really hits the fan you come crawling back begging me to save the day… again. Screw the lot of you and just stand the fuck back!"

With wide eyes they did while McKay finished the connections. The shield came on-line then converted to a cloak. Once he was satisfied that the Wraith would pass by McKay stomped towards the door. As Weir began to speak he just gave her the finger and kept going, exiting the room and leaving some totally bemused people behind him.

Sheppard shuffled and adjusted his P90 before turning to Weir. "So will that be in your report?"

MRMMRMMRMMRMMRM

"The only thing that would surprise me right now you insipid little moron is if Radek actually agreed with your brain-fart of a proposal and if he did I would shove _his_ head up _your_ arse and then place electrodes on your teeny tiny testicles before zapping the shit out of both of you – literally!"

McKay did not have to yell at Dr Grant to leave. The man did so with a sob but not before McKay threw the folder at him, correctly hitting him square in the back of the head.

"Stupid arse-licker. As if I would even consider such a thing. Honestly, do we give a flying fuck about the mating habits of flying rodents on what was it? Bumhole central on planet sweat bead."

Radek gulped and quickly shook his head. McKay had been on a rampage. Swearing and tearing apart the ideas of anyone that approached him. The amazing thing is that people still brought him their proposals, even when it wasn't his field of interest. Although McKay would claim there is no field in which he was not an expert.

"Um, Rodney, I hate to remind you but debrief? Weir wants all senior Staff in office now." Radek cringed waiting for the expected explosion and he was not disappointed.

McKay smacked his own forehead. "Arse-fucking whores! Can't they just do without me for once and why debrief? Everyone knows what happened. Captain cock-bite screwed up and I came to the rescue again."

"I hardly think you can blame the captain-."

McKay rounded on the scientist. "I hardly care what you fucking think. If you can even think? I am surrounded by a bunch of armpit dwellers. You are just bits of sweat that hang around and smell like arse. You go to the meeting and tell those jock-straps and that anal puckered chief of ours that I do not have time. I would rather have an anal probe conducted by the Wraith!"

McKay left the room and Radek finally managed to breath. He had seen McKay angry plenty of times but this was something completely different. Never had such a display been put on by Atlantis' chief scientist or anyone for that matter.

SGASGASGASGASGASGA

Weir looked imploringly at the doctor. "Carson is there anything that could be causing this kind of behaviour?"

Beckett shrugged. "He's an arsehole. An incredibly brilliant and irreplaceable yet insufferable bloody arsehole. Rodney's just been more so of late."

The Atlantis chief tried to hide the surprise on her face. "Granted. But he's never been so-."

"Crude. Vicious. Fucked-up-sideways and every which way between."

"All of the above," said Weir, eyeing Beckett carefully. His language was obviously going the way of McKay's.

"So what do we do about it?" questioned Sheppard. Although not technically a military matter he knew without doubt it would probably fall to him.

Beckett shrugged and harrumphed loudly. "Christ! You'd all think the bunch of ya had never heard some cussing before. The man's been mouthing off a few fucks and shits, so bloody what! I know I couldn't give a flying poodle piss worth and there are more important things you know."

"Is not just language," said Radek carefully. "He is more impatient and wolatile… if that's possible."

Beckett's hands slammed down on the table. "So fucking what! I've had it with you nancies. Can't handle a few home truths from McKay then cop this: Radek, stand up and take charge man and for fuck's sake stop living in the shadow of Rodney and grow some balls."

The table of people just stared incredulously at the doctor, his outburst continued.

"John can you just once come back from a mission without an injury? Jesus Christ! My sphincter just clenches at the thought of your team returning. Or worse when I am actually with you and if I have to treat you for one more bout of some alien induced STD then I am going to chemically castrate you."

"Hey!"

"Don't hey me laddie! Just keep it in your pants for once and stop sticking it in any orifice that is offered. What do you do… get a hard on at the crack of dawn?"

Sheppard just hung his head. The doctor was being totally inappropriate but not entirely inaccurate.

Beckett moved on to Weir. "Elizabeth you are meant to be the number one negotiator on the entire planet Earth. Yet almost every contact we've had here ends up completely in the shit-hole. What did you do… lie on your regime?"

"Carson!" Weir tried to take charge but the doctor just held up a hand and continued.

"And if you'd just stop mooning after Sheppard for one fuckin' minute you may just notice that I have been absolutely desperate to put a leg over. Fuck-me-inside-out! What does a guy have to do to get laid in this galaxy?"

He slammed his folder shut and got up, leaving the room as the remaining people just gawked after the retreating figure.

"Okay," said Sheppard hesitantly. "Firstly I just need to point out that I have declined more offers than I have accepted and that thing about the STDs."

"Alien STDs," stated Radek.

John just glared. "Secondly, obviously something is up. I haven't seen behaviour like this since playing poker with the Aussie SAS and at least they were drunk."

Weir stayed silent and as the men looked to her she leaned back in the chair, put her feet up on the desk and flicked her hair back. "Don't look at me. Why the fuck should I do anything – like I've ever come up with a workable plan that did not end in disaster. If those cum-sucking pricks want to go around mouthing off why should I give a shit… fuck?"

Radek and Sheppard just stood and made to leave. Weir leaned forward and yelled out the open door, "Chuck! Get your cock-lovin' arse in here. I need to write a memo to Stargate command!"

As Chuck came to the door he gulped and stared wide-eyed at Sheppard. "I never…she just."

Sheppard raised an eyebrow. "Let's worry about that another day. Right now I wouldn't let her near any communications equipment since we have enough enemies in _this_ galaxy."

As they walked through command Sheppard turned to Radek. "I have a suspicion that needs confirming. Care to lend a hand…unless you have a sudden need to cuss?"

Radek shook his head. Although for a moment he had been tempted to say 'fuck yeah' just for kicks. But in his experience Americans just did not understand such humour.

LCJSLCJSLCJSLCSJLCJS

As they walked down the corridor heading for Teyla's quarters they were assaulted on all sides by a variety of insults and arguments, in many different accents and quite a few languages. Until this day John had always thought French to be a romantic language but when he heard Sergeant Lafael call Lieutenant Frayes what he interpreted as something resembling the rear end of an especially ugly type of monkey, the magic of that language was lost.

Teyla was in her room as was Ronon. He claimed to be meditating with her. Radek chuckled and John just grinned. The four then made their way to the mess hall.

At the front counter was McKay, his face red as he accosted the cook. "You horse-humping bitch! When I say blue Jell-O I mean it. You are alive because of me and I outrank you in every way that matters and no cum-soaked skanky thundercun-."

He never finished as Sheppard blasted him with Ronon's gun.

"You did have that on stun?" asked Teyla delicately.

As he rolled McKay into a more comfortable position and eye-balled some diners who seemed to want to impose Sheppard responded, "Never could mind the little things. Now let's go check what's in the pudding."

It turned out that Sheppard's hunch had been correct. In the Pegasus galaxy it could have been any number of things: a nano-virus, a biological weapon, radiation from some new creature, ancient experiment gone wrong. But in the end it was an innocuous looking fruit from PXJ-775.

The planet was inhabited by people not unlike the pre-European contact natives of the Fijian islands in the Pacific. Peaceful, content and uninhibited in most things. Especially when it came to physical relations. Which explained why it was the Dutch team that always volunteered for that trade mission? The fruit was similar in appearance to a Kiwi fruit. Palm sized and furry but with sweet purple flesh inside.

Thanks to a member of McKay's team who was unaffected by the outbreak they found that the fruit had caused the breakdown in people's behaviour. Although the righteously indignant research scientist had been quite upset after being called a 'cock-slapping hairy ball sack of a turd' by Dr Beckett. The good doctor would now have his own black eye to treat as well as his bloodied nose after propositioning Dr Heightmeyer wearing nothing more than his lab-coat and an elephant themed g-string.

A simple shot of vitamin B and Vicodin nullified the effects. But then getting people to take it had been another story so mostly the team just zapped them. The most difficult had been Dr Beckett. Who when presented with the needle had jumped up on the table shouting, "How about you just take a sugar-frosted fuck off the end of my dick!"

Teyla had zapped him. Either her aim was off or perfect because the elephant g-string had to be removed with eucalyptus oil as it had melted onto his skin.

SGASGASGASGASGA

The senior staff sat around the conference table once again. Half had lop-sided smiles and the other half could not look anyone in the eye.

"Report," mumbled Weir, studiously pretending to read the written document in front of her. Thankfully none of her memos had been sent to Stargate command. The last thing she needed was to explain why she had ordered 'a shit load of gin to numb the pain of working with cock-tards' and why she had requested a Swedish masseuse, preferably mute and easily intimidated for 'professional development' meetings. Also she had personally shredded the memo mentioning General O'Neill's finely toned buttocks and twelve dot points on why he should bring said buttocks to Weir's office – with a bottle of baby-oil and three pairs of restraints.

Chuck was also easily intimidated and being the only other person to have seen them she had made him swear never to speak of the memos; on pain of being reduced to bathroom technician for all eternity. She had alluded to the fact that with Ancient technology this was possible.

Beckett answered nasally. His nose would be blocked for some days yet and even though he would not even look in Heightmeyer's direction the psychologist was smiling wistfully at him – as if imagining something very unprofessional. "The erm, the affliction was not life threatening." He unconsciously rubbed his black eye. "At least not directly threatening although who knows what violence may have occurred if it had gone unchecked."

"And everyone has fully recovered?"

Beckett flicked his eyes in Heightmeyer's direction as if fearful of answering in front of the psychologist. "From the toxin yes. But I must stress not everyone was affected."

"Indeed." Weir raised an eyebrow and managed, in turn, to look at Sheppard, Radek, Heightmeyer, Ronon and Teyla. "It seems a select few managed to escape unscathed."

McKay was busily typing away but coughed self-consciously. "Yes well, not exactly just this few. It seems a broad range of people were unaffected. Most of the marines, the biologists - but only _three_ of my staff. The gate-techs, all the nurses and," he paused and grimaced, "and even that insufferable cook Private what's-her-name."

There were snickers from Sheppard and Ronon, and even Teyla smiled. Weir did not want to guess the reason but knew she had to ask. "Why us and not them?"

"Ah," answered Beckett and once again glanced at Dr Heightmeyer. "That may be a delicate matter. You see the inhabitants of PXJ-775 are not affected by the protein yet genetically there is no reason for that. So we figured it must be linked to behaviour. After some research and questioning of our own people a very strange yet seemingly unrelated reason was found."

Dr Heightmeyer raised her eyebrows at Beckett and he blanched.

"Medically speaking of course."

"And that is?" enquired Weir. Suspecting but not wanting to voice it herself.

Beckett just stuttered unable to voice it.

Once again the ones who had been unaffected chuckled and Ronon outright laughed.

Finally Heightmeyer answered. "It is apparent that the more sexually active a person the less they were affected. In fact those that were frequently active, let's say every day, suffered no effects what-so-ever. Of course that means the less active the more," she paused and gave McKay and then Beckett a close look. "Aggressive the ailment."

"I think," Weir took a few deep breaths. "I think this may have to remain an in-house matter. Stargate command need never know. Certainly there was no serious damage and we can probably avoid a recurrence."

Everyone nodded. McKay and Beckett most enthusiastically and Beckett shuffled from the room. Heightmeyer lingered but then made a bee-line after Beckett. The predatory expression had returned to her face.

Ronon and Teyla left together with their hands touching briefly.

McKay, never too delicate, glared at Radek. "So my two other minions are obviously doing each other," referring to his unaffected lab assistants. "So who have you been getting lucky with you Czech fiend?"

Radek laughed, "Rodney _they_ are not doing _each_ other."

Rodney spluttered, "But that means you and them...what? One at a time or both at once?"

The Czech just led a seriously confused Rodney from the room. Leaving Weir and Sheppard.

They sat without speaking for some time. Each unable to initiate conversation and Weir kept her hands clasped firmly in front and alternated between a polite smile and a half cough as if about to speak.

John shifted uncomfortably. Thinking he should leave but knowing they needed to discuss this – whatever it was.

"So," he finally managed. "How 'bout that Carson?"

Elizabeth pursed her lips. "I hardly think I can comment. Given the circumstances."

"Well at least you didn't try and kill anyone." John tried to be sympathetic. "Look we've all been possessed or had our DNA altered at some point – comes with the territory."

"It wasn't like that. Not possession – it was me… me," she said, not wanting to go on but knowing she had to. "Just uncensored with no barriers."

John whistled. "That's the truth."

Elizabeth narrowed her eyes at the Colonel. "So you weren't affected at all."

"Nah," he said as a huge grin spread across his face.

"Well that would mean that you um." Her face reddened at the implication. "But John you haven't been off-world in weeks. Teyla's with Ronon and I haven't noticed you with anyone?"

"I'm very discreet," said John with his best smirk.

"Oh come on, not even a hint?" Elizabeth fluttered her eyelashes trying to lighten the mood. "You're holding all the cards. After my display you should at least play fair."

"What makes you think its just one person?" he mocked.

"I know you John. You wouldn't muddy your own pond."

"Tell you what Elizabeth. You get General 'finely toned buttocks' O'Neil on a date and maybe we'll join you."

Elizabeth blanched, "How in the hell could you – oh my god!" realisation hit.

John, upon seeing her expression turned a very pale white. "I thought everyone knew about that? You mean he only told me – oh crap!" He buried his face in his hands.

Elizabeth was still trying to process the new information. "You mean you…and him? Jesus John! You may not be in the gutter with the rest of us but it seems you're still pretty good at the pillow talk."

Chuck chose that unfortunate moment to stick his head in the door. Weir looked at a hunched John and then at Chuck. A knowing leer spread across her face.

One look at John with his head down and a leering and gloating Weir made Chuck gulp slowly. "Oh fuck me."

The End.


End file.
